Wiggo Comes to Glasgow, again…

Brad in the Team Sky ‘Death Star’ bus.

A source close to Team Sky has provided some startling information regarding the motivation behind newly bearded Bradley Wiggins decision which was announced today, that he is taking part in the Commonwealth Games time trial in Glasgow. It transpires that the choice may have been heavily influenced by some new-found friends he encountered during his ‘winter of discontent’ after his 2012 Tour de France victory.

Brad allegedly fell asleep on a train after a particularly wild night out in Manchester, then woke up in Glasgow Central station several hours later. Not wanting to waste the trip, the Olympic hero decided to explore the local culture as an accidental tourist & happened upon Glasgow Cross, where the patrons of the long-established Tollbooth bar welcomed him in with open arms. There he entertained the locals for two whole days with his tails of conquering France & the finer points of cultivating facial hair, the latter of which was a speciality of many of the regulars. During this time many stories were told of the amazing opportunities that exist for bearded gentlemen that simply did not exist for the sideburned Sir, his mind was made up & a full beard was planned for Glasgow 2014. Not only would this provide some additional warmth for the Scottish summer (marginal gains), but he would also win the hearts & minds of an otherwise potentially hostile public, not partial to a shaven legged Englishman, wearing a St Georges cross skinsuit in Glasgow City Centre, just a few weeks prior to the referendum on Scottish Independence. With the finest ginger beard seen on the face of any professional cyclist the world had ever seen, he could woo the Scottish crowds & this time sit on the Commonwealth throne (rather than the Olympic one) as his rivals recorded their times on the leaderboard. The scene was set for a relatively relaxed 2013 race programme, followed by winter 2013/2014 spent cultivating the secret weapon, the fastest ginger whiskers in history, designed to create adoration from the Scottish public. Then a full assault for the Glasgow 2014 Time Trial title as his primary objective. As it’s transpired, this is exactly what is happening.

A source close to somebody who watches ‘The One Show” has confirmed that Hugh Porter will not be the BBC commentator during the Commonwealth cycling events, but instead they will be using Brad’s close friend & doppelgänger Frankie Boyle, also a big fan of the monarchy. Unknown to most, Frankie is also a keen cyclist & has an in-depth knowledge of the finer points of aero helmets & race pacing, it should provide much better coverage that Hugh’s constant “full of riding” commentary we see in every event. The post race interview with Brad & Frankie is scheduled to be broadcast after 9pm for some undisclosed reason, so Frankie’s wife Susan Boyle will be interviewing riders during the daytime & providing post race soundbites.

In a recent poll of attitudes towards Bradley Wiggins from a wide demographic of Scottish cycling fans, it showed a very large swing towards “Good Guy”, in a stark contrast to a pre-beard poll which showed the majority chose the other option. The strategy appears to have worked well & I urge all spectators to cheer on Bradley when you see him on the course. He’s certainly made a huge effort & deserves our support.

If you’d like to meet Brad after the time trial on 31st July, it’s almost certain you’ll find him in his favourite Glasgow bar, seeking advice on his next career goal.

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